Journey Updates
February 5, 2010 @ 11:40 am
While watching The Biggest Loser recently a couple of the contestants had big number-related goals, like getting below 200 or something. Those kinds of goals are big psychological boons - or if we're crossing them upwards, can be real demotivators. While watching one particular weigh-in The Beau asked if I any particular goal-numbers that I really wanted to reach. I didn't really have an answer.
I've
structured my "goals" around the things I want to do some day but either haven't been able to or haven't let myself do because of my weight and obesity. I put those out for all to see because I can't wait to start checking them off one by one as I get more fit. But certain numbers do hold significance for me even if I don't consider them goal weights - more like milestones worth solemnizing, or something. Anyway here are some of the significant weight amounts I've seen over the years:
325ish poundsMy theoretical maximum weight. I don't think I've ever gone above this and frankly, I think I would have to be pretty incapacitated and just give up on life to do so. When I get near this number, I can feel it really weigh me down (no pun intended).
300 poundsA rough barrier for me. Most of this blogging journey has been spent above 300 - getting below it has been tough, my body's holding onto it for some reason. Even though I'm below it right now, I'm still a little too close for comfort, so I'm not sure I consider this barrier beaten just yet.
280 pounds This is roughly what my weight was when I moved to New York in April 2005. In the 2.5 or so years after that I put on a good 30+ pounds (stress!). I would love to be at or near this level by the 5 year anniversary (of both my move and my relationship with The Beau) - in a couple of months.
250 pounds Passing through the 250 level would put me closer to what I was around my Freshman year of college. I never actually weighed myself much back then. But I think this would be a good number to reach by my next family vacation at the end of July - two years after my grandfather's
fateful insults words.
230 pounds In my senior year of high school, I managed to lose 30 pounds and reach around 230, but no, I'm not going back on the binge-and-purge diet.
225 pounds Until last year I carried a California driver's license and this was the weight printed on it. Total lie. New York doesn't print weights on its licenses but when I ultimately lose a lot of weight, I'm SO getting a new picture.
199 pounds My theoretical goal weight. My BMI will still be "overweight" at this level (and actually, this is
just below "obese"), but by the time I reach this amount, I intend to be doing MUCH more strength training, so at that point I'm probably going to stop caring about BMI entirely. But I don't even remember the last time I was below 200 ... It was probably before high school. Probably well before high school.
171 pounds Officially my "ideal weight" according to the BMI. But I don't actually expect to ever get to this level, if for no other reason than I expect to build muscle that will "weigh" me down more.
0 comments | Topics: BMI, The Beau, The Biggest Loser, goals
Goals
May 19, 2008
I lived in California while going to college, but was far from the
beach and never went during the day. That, along with the occasional
surfing enthusiast I knew in high school, is the closest I ever really
came. I've just never been that exposed to the whole surfing thing, and
so never really had the opportunity to learn much about it.
But I'd like to. While I don't expect to throw my cares to the wind
and become a beach bum, or scour the world for the best waves, I'd love
to learn to ride. There's something about surfing that exudes fitness -
even though most surfers are not ripped or particularly buff. The
balance involved, the resonance they have with nature, the pursuit of
freedom on the water, it makes them athletes.
I never even considered learning how to surf before starting this
journey. I figured I could never fit in the wetsuit and I fell off the
6-inch balance beam at school. I don't even know where to learn, today.
I'll probably combine my "surfing" goal with another to cruise or go to
a resort, and take one of those silly tourist surfing lessons. But
that's not a reason not to try. And when I'm fit, I want to be out
there riding the waves.
Read more about my weight loss goals
Goals
May 3, 2008
It's like a rite of passage for crazy young collegians to throw
caution to the wind, live in the moment, and leave their clothes behind
in a fit of silly interpersonal freedom. Such activities I, of course,
never participated in. For starters my friends in college weren't
really the bare-ass-to-the-wind types of people. But even if they were,
I'd still not go for it.
Today I still can't say such things would happen at any particular
time, though I can't say they wouldn't. I don't even know as I would
want to play strip poker or go skinny dipping, but with the right
amount of alcohol and/or good cheer, some such silliness could always
be a possibility and I don't want my body and my lack of self
confidence to be a hindrance to having a bit of fun.
The idea has come up from time to time, usually as a joke that has
never gone very far. Even so, it tends to trigger a near-instant total
body/mind/psyche cringe followed quickly by a mix of despair and fear.
I want to get over that. I want to be comfortable enough with myself
that I can be comfortable with the friends I love and enjoy.
Will such activities ever happen? Who knows? No one should feel
ashamed of the body God gave them, imperfect as we all are and everyone
should feel free to be as free as they like. Nevertheless it's natural
to feel so when you're 150+ pounds overweight. I've for too long
neutered my own personal freedoms because I'm fat and I want that to
end. So some day, it will - and I intend to enjoy it.
Read more about my weight loss goals
Goals
May 1, 2008
My partner has a sexy, sexy tattoo of a feather that wraps around
his forearm. It's very subtle and elegant, and the symbol means a lot
to him (which makes it sexier). I've always enjoyed tattoos, and part
of me has always wanted one. I've always doubted I would ever actually
get one, though. My reason for most of my life - the one I tell people
- is that I'm too fickle and I'd probably change my mind about it and
be stuck with something. That hasn't stopped me from seriously
considering what kind of symbol would be meaningful enough to have
permanently inscribed on me. Other reasons include professionalism
(weak, I know) and pain (I don't do pain). But the real reason lies
within my lack of self-confidence.
See, to really show off a tattoo, the canvas has to look nice too.
No one likes looking at tattoos that are etched into a jiggling
container of fatty goo - which is pretty much all I have at this point.
If I have a tattoo it will have t be in a place that is hidden during
the work day - and all of those places are flabby and gross.
This is a goal that will ultimately come at the end of my journey. I
still don't know what I would get tattooed; I have a few ideas but I
imagine I would want something that commemorates this journey, that
helps me remember where I came from and what the first twenty-some-odd
years of my life were like - so I never go back. Oh! Maybe I could get
a tattoo where if I get too fat again, the picture morphs into
something like "Get Back In the Gym, Fatty!" ...
Yes, so, anyway. Get A Tattoo. Or Two.
Read more about my weight loss goals
Goals
April 20, 2008
I went on a cruise as a teenager with my family, and I gotta say, I
enjoyed it. Even though I was fat, felt uncomfortable at the pool, and
sweat a lot throughout the Caribbean, I enjoyed it. I love traveling
and being in new places. I love to relax and saunter. I love being out
on the ocean, floating along. I've always loved big boats. My partner
really wants to go on one, and I'd love to see the Mediterranean, or
float on up to Alaska, or hopscotch the Hawaiian islands.
I'd like to go cruising again, but I want to enjoy it for every
little thing its worth. I want to sit by the pool or sun myself on the
top deck. I want to feel like I could walk around shirtless and not
gross anyone out. I want to look great in my suit at the formal dinner.
And since my partner really wants to go on a gay cruise, the pressure
to fit in feels all the more higher -- I want to be able to measure up
to some decent standard of fitness. I want to maximize the experience
of being on a cruise, and not feel a lick of self-doubt.
So as I lose weight, I'm going to seriously start planning a cruise.
It doesn't matter to where or the gay/straight ratio. I'd love to bring
along some friends and really have a great time, out in the sun,
without a care in the world - and far away from Blackberry coverage.
It'll happen. Not this summer, but probably next!
Read more about my weight loss goals
Goals
March 21, 2008
My partner - and his entire family - love Tennis. They're actually
tennis fanatics. His sister coaches and teaches, his other sisters just
love to play, and so does he. I ... like to watch. Actually I have no
idea how to play beyond running around a court hitting at a very fast
and very small ball with a racket. We have two tennis court complexes
on the island where we live - including one right outside our
building's front door (not a bad view from the gym which overlooks it,
by the way). About once a week my partner pipes up that he'd like to
play again someday, and I would like to play with him.
I've simply never learned to play tennis. I know that it's
extraordinarily physical even while not being the same type of exertion
as football, basketball or baseball. Part of me wonders if I could even
keep up or if I'd simply wimp out after 10 minutes. And since I'm new,
and I suck, there's always the spectre of making a fool of myself on
the courts as I learn - and fat fools always look most foolish. So as a
goal for losing weight, I want to learn to play - and really take up as
an activity - tennis!
The thing about losing weight and becoming more active is that as
you start to get into it - even a little - you get a natural craving
for more and new activities. So as I lose weight and see my fitness
levels increase, I expect I can begin to learn to play this intriguing
sport in the near future. And when I do, it will surely be a great way
to continue my fitness routine with an alternate activity - and it will
make my partner happy to play again.
Read more about my weight loss goals
Goals
March 21, 2008
I've made mention of this before in my terrifying sagas of buying a new suit and just trying to find a shirt that fit me (part one, part two),
but when I lose weight - and I mean really lose weight to the point of
being thin and properly shaped - I want to buy a new wardrobe of suits.
I love to dress up. Even wearing my enormous, voluminous fat-man
suit, I feel good wearing it. I like to look nice and put the right
amount of effort in to look professional. I want a closet of nice suits
I can wear to any event, or just on a normal Tuesday. I want the shirts
and ties to go with them, and the shoes and belt to match.
And on top of it all, I want one really nice suit that costs a lot
of money. If, by that time, I actually make enough income to justify
it, my true dream is to someday go to Savile Row in England and get a
suit hand tailored just for me. Something I look fabulous in. Something
that turns heads. Something that highlights my personal physical
accomplishment. And something is a reminder to me of what I've
accomplished, and if I want to stay in my precious expensive suit, a
reminder that I best keep up my weight management.
Read more about my weight loss goals
Goals
March 21, 2008
My partner and I are very much in love and we
really enjoy and crave our time together. But we have very few pictures
of ourselves together. A lot of that is because we forget to take a
camera with us to places. But a bigger reason is the same reason there
are actually very few pictures of me in existence at all - I hate to be
on camera.
I even get angry when people insist on taking photos of me.
It was hard enough for me to take "before" pictures for this journey,
let alone unflattering candid shots. And then people insist on taking those candid shots from bad angles, while I'm talking or even worse - eating. And then they post them on Facebook, tag me in them, leaving me to go quick as I can remove those tags.
And I want that to change. I want to memorialize my relationship and
adventures with my partner. I want to flip through the pictures of us
when we're old and wrinkled and remember all the fun we had as kids. I
want to join him in the photos on my desk. I want to be one of those
'cute couples' on film. I want people to remember I was at a party, to see me having fun and loving life, to see me smiling. So as I lose weight and get fit, I'll get over
my fear of film and get more pictures.
Read more about my weight loss goals
Goals
March 21, 2008
I love water. I love being on the water, in the water, under the
water. I've always had a fascination with the ocean and waterways and
all the life underneath, as well as the peacefulness of floating out in
the middle of it all. One activity I've always wanted to try was
kayaking.
I've been canoeing and I've even rowed a boat at one time, but
kayaking is very different. You're barely out of the water - and all
you have to rely on is yourself. If you get tired, or can't keep going,
you're stuck - and it's your fault, and there's no one else to get you
back ashore. These are the things that've kept me away from trying it
since I have little faith in my own level of fitness. When I use the
rowing machine at the gym, I can barely go for very long - so how am I
supposed to keep up such a demanding activity as kayaking? Plus, it
seems like it would leave me feeling somewhat vulnerable; I hardly like
taking my shirt off - the awkward process of getting in, navigating,
not-tipping-over, and getting out of the thing, all on show for any to
see, is terrifying.
Since first coming up with this goal I've discovered a good friend of ours has really taken up kayaking as a favorite summer pass time. Last summer he mentioned wanting to get people to go with him. This summer, I want to take him up on it.
So as a goal for my fitness journey, I want to take up kayaking. It
probably won't be this summer but maybe next year. I want to join those
groups of people I see gliding up the East River. I want
to float and enjoy nature from out in the middle of the sea.
Read more about my weight loss goals
Goals
March 21, 2008
Our
old apartment had the the most fortunate view ever. Straight out we saw the
city skyline, straight up 79th street, and New York's East River.
Looking straight down, we had our building's pool, and all that
eye-candy sunbathing delight. You see, our building was full of young,
good-looking buff people. They spent the summer weekends out along the
pool deck or throwing footballs shirtless in the courtyard.
And every weekend I wish I could be one of those people ... and not
be the freakish fat guy who really shouldn't be sunbathing. You know
the type. It's me.
My partner loves to be out in the sun. He loves to sunbathe in
Central Park, and he loves to swim. Every year he gets a new swimsuit.
He'd love to spend time at the beach. And I'd love to go with him.
In reality, the thing that really keeps my shirt on in public, in
addition to the enormous sunblocking gut, are my stretch marks. I
managed to gain weight too fast (and probably not hydrated enough) for
my skin to keep up and I now have long, deep stretch marks. Since I
started hydrating consistently, they've actually started to fade, but
they're there and so is my gut. Both rob me of the self-confidence to
do anything but sit in a lawn chair (fully clothed) and read. But I
want to sunbathe, and swim, and go to the beach and lay out, and run
around in the ocean, and throw a ball around or play Frisbee in just my
swim trunks.
This goal is really about self-confidence. And I may reach that
point even before being thin and pretty like the boys below. We'll see.
But this is goal #2.
Read more about my weight loss goals
Goals
March 21, 2008
I have a closet and a dresser full of "goal" clothes. They are
shirts and such I've held onto in the hope of someday fitting into
them. I should just junk them all and start fresh, since a few of them
I couldn't fit into now even if I was skinny - I'm too tall!
But I have two in particular that I consider my "goal" shirts. The
first I bought not long before I started this journey. I sorta fit into
it then, but not comfortably enough for meetings, and I don't think
I've ever worn it buttoned up. It's a nice shirt and would look great
on me if I were 25 pounds lighter. Its white, with little blue stripes
and big, stiff cuffs. I like it, and I will fit into it.
The other is an older shirt - its black, and has always had a funny
fit but for a long while it was one of my favorite shirts because it
fit and it was loose-ish. It's not anymore. It fails my standard for
button down shirts, which should be buttoned up and fit well but be
loose enough to be pulled in any direction and certainly not at the
buttons. By now the collar has gotten a bit flat but I want to fit into
this shirt because it was the last shirt to fall victim to my bulging
waste line.
I have others like this, too. A whole series of shirts that fit when
I moved to New York three years ago, and no longer do. Two suits too. A
blue shirt I tried on just the other day and nearly popped the first
button. I have all these clothes I want to wear, and can't.
So there' the first of many small goals and dreams for my weight loss - Button These Shirts.
Read more about my weight loss goals
