Journey Updates
The Outside Is a Sign of What's Inside
January 21, 2010 @ 09:56 am
This is the first season I've ever watched The Biggest Loser. I'm not a reality fan and from afar I thought the premise of rapidly losing dozens or a hundred-plus pounds in a couple of months wasn't a good thing. But this season I've picked up on it, and despite the fact they scare the hell out of me, I find the trainers to be really good at what they do; not just with the physics of weight loss, but their ability to get inside the heads of their subjects and help them holistically.In this week's episode there was a remarkably insightful moment between Jillian the trainer and Migdalia on the green team. The video isn't available yet so here's a quick recap: Migdalia was having a rough time but not talking about it. Jillian was trying to get inside her head. Jillian pressed and pressed and Migdalia played the role of the tough player who doesn't let her emotions show. It got more and more heated, and there was a glimmer of a moment that really resonated hard with me.
It was the moment where after pressuring her charge to embrace her emotions, Jillian asks if she likes herself. Migdalia says no. Jillian asks why. She won't answer. She deflects. She refuses to acknowledge her feelings or figure out what they mean. She wants to do what she's always done - swallow them, hide them, run from them, eat to make them go away. She ultimately says to Jillian that she's here to change her physical appearance and her health, but she doesn't need to change who she is and how she deals with life.
And that was the moment that clicked for me. It was only a couple seconds long and yet it was like a lightbulb of fireworks going off inside my head.
I said to her (and to myself, out loud, like a crazy person) - what's wrong outside is a sign of what's wrong inside. My whole life I've kept to myself in a self-defeating cycle of hiding my emotions and eating to deal with them. Facts are that I have a lot of emotional baggage and despite feeling like I'm well-adjusted and able to deal with life's pressures, some of that baggage does still haunt me because I don't think I've ever really addressed it head on. And I should.
I have a feeling that I'll actually succeed, and stop holding onto this weight, only when I deal with it, address it and internalize the forgiveness and release that's required. So that's what I'm going to have to do. Which is kind of a bigger deal than it seems, actually.
I can barely remember half of the things I should probably deal with. I'm so good at suppressing and hiding from the things that have hurt me I feel like I can't remember half my life, maybe more than half my life. I've forgotten many names of people; I've forgotten whole people's existences and don't know who they are despite ample pictures and having spent 5-6 weeks on the road with them (concert group, long story). So I have to spend some good time dredging up the past in my mind, trying to remember and even relive life's less savory experiences, and then address them head-on.
What does that look like today? Many would think its best to confront those that have hurt you. In my case, I have no way to contact most of them and it probably wouldn't do much good anyhow. But I can deal with it personally, I can release the pain I've held onto, and I can forgive. Through a process of remembering, addressing, writing, and meditating I will work through these things. And though I can't mail them all a letter, I can write it, and post it here, and release it once and for all.
So this is something I'm going to work through. I need to deal with the emotional issues that trigger me to retreat from the world and into the kitchen, or else I'll never succeed in getting thin, fit and healthy.