Once Again, From the Top!
July 13, 2008 @ 07:25 pm
On June 3rd, I started this whole shindig. One year later, I was in the middle of not doing anything to
lose weight yet again! It's been a hard year. Generally, I don't fail
at stuff. In fact, losing weight, being healthy and generally
respecting myself is just about the only thing I've ever failed so
miserably, so consistently at.
But here we are, over 13 months
after I started. And I'm miserable. Not only because I've failed again
to get this right, but because of something that happened a couple days
ago.
My partner and I just got back from a big family
vacation to a small island between the US and Canada. They are known
for their fudge. Lots. of. fudge. I was so far past my "diet" I didn't
care - I just indulged. Frankly, I'm fine with that. I was, after all,
on vacation. I felt fatter than I've felt in a long time, though, but
frankly was just on the cusp of almost starting to sorta kinda believe
my boyfriend when he says "you're beautiful" that I was okay with it
and willing to start again right when I got home. Fast forward to the
end of our family trip when we're all reconvening at my grandparent's
house after the trip. We're unloading from cars and reloading into
others, settling in for a nights rest before a long drive, or whatever.
Most of the family stopped for lunch at a buffet restaurant (we
did not). When we next saw my grandfather - a 78-year old man with a
penchant for not thinking about what he's saying - comes over and says
to us.
"I have to apologize to [Brian]" ([Brian] is my cousin's 10-year-old son, whom we rarely see).
Why apologize, we ask.
"Well
you know we all went to the restaurant, and [Brian] kept going back to
the buffet. At about his fourth helping of hash browns I says to him
'Now, [Brian], you keep eating like that and you're going to be as big
as [LWD] ! '. And the look on his face!" he then feigns [Brian's] supposed look of horror at being as big as me.
I
... didn't know what to say, or do, or anything. I tried not to react,
I tried to process what he just said. Basically it boiled down to:
- Being the family's fat whipping boy of comparisons
- Being the whipping boy behind my back
- That I'm someone to be horrified at, belittled and avoided because I'm fat
- That I have little redeeming quality
- It was more important for my grandfather to apologies to [Brian] than to me!
I accept and acknowledge I'm obese. I know that. But I carry enough shame and hate myself enough for it - I don't need my grandfather trudging it out for all to see too. It hurt. It felt just like it did growing up when the other kids in my class ridiculed me for no other reason than I was fat. I bucked up and survived the evening, but had a good cry with my partner (who was furious).
Today was a 13 hour drive home from their house. It was solemn for me. I'm not over what he said - and hopefully, I won't be. I'm going to use his words - and the mental images of myself proving him wrong - as my catalyst. No more cutting corners - I'm going to be exercising, eating right, eliminating the bad stuff, drinking more water, and all around living better.
I'm going to do it this time. This year, I'm losing weight.
Blog Archive
This blog has been gone through a few different versions. This post is an archive from a previous life.