The Obese Life
Fatties and the Chasers Who Love Them
February 1, 2010 @ 10:15 am
This is a weird post for me to write. On the one hand, there's people's personal preferences and I am not one to judge those. On the other hand, there's an element of embarrassment for me in it. And I don't speak for the world here, I don't speak for other fat people. And I'm probably going to ramble a bit. But here goes.I know guys who are into me because I'm obese. They're attracted to fat. And while it's always flattering to have someone attracted to you, at the same time it makes me feel awful.
There are few different degrees to this. On the one hand there is a large community of "bears" (no pun intended) - bigger, usually hairier guys and the guys who love them. These guys are usually rotund but not obese. They're bigger all around, but not grotesque. It's a pretty wide and inclusive group that reaches the morbidly obese (yours truly). Some guys simply love to be with a bigger guy. Call it safety, call it warmth, call it cuddly. It's just what some guys are attracted to. On the other hand, there are some out there who fetishize the fat. They're not merely into big guys because they find them attractive, they're into the fat. They like to touch it, they like to play with it. I have a friend who's admitted as much to me - and he's married to a skinny little guy who is in no way bearish. The thing about these guys - like my friend - is that they don't necessarily want to fall in love or make a life with a bigger guy, but they're into fat as a side thing.
These archetypes exist outside the gay community, for sure. Whole cultures have encouraged and made fat attractive. Many more straight people are into heavier counterparts than in the gay community. But since I'm gay (what?! really!?) I'm focusing on my own experience - but I think these things are transcendent of orientation. It's hard to fault someone for who they're attracted to. I have a problem with the latter category of people - because it makes me feel like a circus side show. But let's keep breaking this down.
Inspiring Complacency?
My partner loves me just the way I am. He finds me sexy. He's not particularly into bears as a body type. And he'd be just as happy and in love with me if I were thinner. His love does not inspire me to be complacent, it actually encourages me to continue my trek toward health. Well, most of the time. Fact is, at my various low points in life, knowing I wouldn't be judged at home actually created a safety net where I could simply nest and not have to try to lose weight.Fat is dangerous. This is debated here and there but I assure you, humans are not designed to be carrying around all the extra tonnage that we do. Certainly not 50, 75, 120+ pounds of pure fat. Sure, one can be overweight and still healthy. And may of us will never be thin. And I'm sure a good number of bears work out or at least get plenty of activity. But many don't. And my worry is that a bear culture - or worse, a fat attraction - could give license to an overweight or obese person to not pursue a healthy lifestyle. If a person likes me because I'm fat, why should I try to be healthy?
I'm the last person to judge a person's attractions and what makes them happy. But I always believe that in a relationship we should inspire our partners to live healthy and grow and become better. Any relationship that encourages one to be unhealthy (remain fat) and mask it as acceptance or attraction or love is a problem.
Reinforcing The Socially Unacceptable
When my (married-to-a-skinny-guy) friend told me he was into fat guys, it was after several drinks and an hour of hemming and hawing. It was a secret - an interest he doesn't share readily. Reading up on this issue in both gay and straight circles, that was a common theme. A person might be into fat mates, attracted to the heftier body types, but not tell anyone or embrace it for fear of their own ostracization. Being fat is not socially acceptable; being sexually attracted to it isn't either. The risk there is that it creates a circus side show out of the fat people. Someone one can dabble in without any serious commitment; or something that is kept quiet. While the larger person may feel and be beautiful to someone, any quietness or obfuscation just reinforces the stigma surrounding the fat. Rather than making them whole with who they are it actually degrades them. Of course this is a rarer instance, but it remains that people who are into fat people as a passing or occasional interest, or on the sole basis of their being fat, actually may do more harm than good both to the person and to the greater societal opinion surrounding the obese.
For Me, It Reemphasizes What I Hate About Myself
I don't like it when people are attracted to me because I'm a "bear" or because they like bigger guys. I feel pigeonholed into a category I don't even want to be in. I feel like all that I've done, all that I am, all the things that are good about me are collapsed into one characteristic - and it's one that I honestly abhor about me. I don't want to be fat - and just being reminded of it makes it worse, makes me self-conscious, and I shut down.It's always flattering to have someone be into you. But I would rather they be into me because I'm smart, because of my dry humor, because I'm creative or a good cook, or because of any number of characteristics that make me who I am but please, not because I'm big. When I'm thinner - be it 50 pounds or the full 125 pounds I want to lose - maybe I'll feel differently as I grow proud of myself for achieving my health goals. But right now - and for the last many years - I hate it. I don't have the self-respect or physical self-confidence to accept that people might be physically attracted to me. That may not be fair to me, it may not be fair to them, but it's how I feel.